April has been a funny month for me.
Usually once the months start getting into April and May my mood tends to pick up a bit, because it’s Spring (but still raining) and it makes me feel happy. This year I’ve just felt fine. There’s no other way to describe it than ‘fine’, because that’s what it is. I was just strolling through life, I was fine, but I wasn’t exactly happy or overly amazing. I had a good start to the month, considering my campaign (rest in peace) was going well, we were gaining members, that kind of thing. My relationship is going well, we reached 6 months, which is a massive achievement for me.
In the middle of April I noticed that things started to take a turn, I realised I was having a BPD relapse. I have been in a strong recovery state since January; so it was a massive blow to my mood that suddenly, for seemingly no reason, I was relapsing. I felt depressed all the time, tired and fatigued, I was snapping at everyone, I isolated myself completely, my campaign ended up closing down, it was a mess.
April has been the first month since January that I’ve thought about self harm. I reached 6 months self harm free this month, so you can imagine how upsetting it was for me that I had come so far and I was still thinking about it. I guess that’s why they call it in addiction though, you can’t shake it that quickly. I’ve not actually self harmed, which I am proud of myself for, and I’ve not had suicidal thoughts – apart from intrusive thoughts, but I can’t control those and they’re stupid anyway.
The worst thing about how I’ve been mentally in April is the feeling of just… numbness. I’m not really happy, and I’m not devastatingly sad either. I just sit, just existing, and I think that’s so much worse than actually feeling things. I am going back to therapy tomorrow (1st May!) so hopefully I can work through some of the stuff that has come up since I got discharged in January and get past this feeling.
As for other things in my life – my relationship with my boyfriend is going well. For anyone that doesn’t know, my boyfriend and I are long distance. He’s from America and I’m from England. Sometimes it’s extremely difficult for me, and so I can’t imagine what it’s like for him. He has to deal with us being long distance AND being my carer. Being my carer is hard enough as it is, let alone from 3,000 miles away! He comes to England on the 11th May, and I am not exaggerating when I say that I have never been more excited for anything in my life. It’s been 4 months since I saw him last, so the 3 weeks he’s here are going to be awesome.
I also got to see my best friend Lottie who lives 2 hours away! It was a spontaneous trip, and I loved every second of it. I get to see her again in May with my boyfriend, which I am super duper excited about.
My nan comes home from her travels again in May too, meaning she can meet my boyfriend and I also get to see her. I can’t wait for that either. My mum has done very well with her own therapy, I’m extremely happy and proud that she and I are getting along a lot better now. I used to always see her in a bad light subconsciously, but I feel as if now we have both gotten to a place where we have let things go and are able to just be best friends. She does feel like a best friend to me.
I am confident that May will be a much better month than April for me. Hopefully the sun will start shining and I can have a beautiful 3 weeks with my boyfriend, starting therapy again, and carrying on with my blog. Read about my first month of blogging HERE.
Sometimes I feel disheartened that everything still seems to be going wrong in my life when I am supposed to be in such a good headspace and mindset. However, I also realise that my BPD forces me to only see two sides of the extreme spectrum – meaning my view on what is happening is skewed and probably not correct.
All we can do is work through it, after all. Let me know how your April has been in the comments!