My brain likes to remember specific events that I didn’t really ask for it to remember. Sometimes this can be detrimental, since I don’t want to remember certain things. Usually I see these memories so vividly that I can feel the exact emotion I felt in that moment. It’s a blessing and curse.
I wanted to write about 3 of the biggest memories like these that I have. They may not all be good, or all be bad, they’re just times in my life that I will never forget.
There’s two massive greetings in my life that I’ll never forget. I grew up on the internet, so about 95% of my friendships throughout my life have been online. I don’t mind this, in fact I think I prefer it. It just meant that when I got older, I then had to start thinking about meeting these people in real life. I’m going to tell you about meeting my (now) boyfriend for the first time, however I did meet my best friend Lottie in real life first. That was equally as amazing.
My boyfriend and I had been on and off, swapping between not being friends and being friends for nearly 6 years. When we started dating this time around, we decided the only thing we needed was to meet each other. Not only does it help the relationship to start up regular visits, it also solidifies your feelings for one another. So, we arranged for me to go over to America at the beginning of 2018.
I remember being extremely nervous, but not about meeting him. I was more scared he would hate me because of the way I looked in real life, or after spending an entire week with me. Not only that, I was also scared of the airport and the flight. Airports are actually my worst nightmare, if I could think of any situation that I would choose as a death sentence, it would be an airport. Not only was meeting him an accomplishment for our relationship, but also for me and my anxiety.
When I got off of the plane in America, I couldn’t see him waiting in the terminal. I had to spend extra money on this guy, just to get him to tell me where he was parked! Can you believe it? I wandered around outside, calling and texting my friend to try and understand where he was. I can’t remember whether he tapped me on the shoulder or just said my name, but when I turned around he was there. It was honestly the most surreal moment of my life. I can’t even explain it, really. I wasn’t nervous, or scared, I was just excited.
The feeling I had was confident; that the rest of the trip was going to be amazing as soon as I got in his car. He made me feel comfortable without trying. Unfortunately it wasn’t the same for him, as he was so nervous that he ended up making himself sick for the next day or so! I’ll never let him live it down.
Recovery for me has held many moments in my life that will never be forgotten. It usually comes in different parts, and that’s what contributes to the one memory of recovering. There’s the time I had my last therapy appointment after 2 years. The time I went to hospital. The first time I felt truly happy after 2 years of feeling like crap. The last one is the one that really stands out to me.
I was off of work, and school, for a very long time due to my depression. Almost 2 years of constantly doing hardly anything. I would sit in my bedroom all day, playing games on my computer or just watching YouTube. Never getting bored or lonely, either. That’s the most worrying thing to me when I think back on it now, because if I were to try and do it now… I don’t even know. I’d be so bored?! How did I not get bored?!
Anyway. There was one day in particular that I was doing this, it was the middle of spring and super sunny. The weather and the sun really affects my moods – so this was a good thing for me. I can’t remember exactly why I was so happy that day. I assume that I had just been in very good luck around that time. All I remember is just being on Tumblr, and thinking about recovery and what else I could be doing to improve myself. I felt so confident in my recovery at that point.
I felt so free and confident that I randomly decided to just dump all of my blades, anything sharp that I had been using to hurt myself, etc. Because of that, I broke them all up, chucked them away, put the bag in the bin outside and that was it. I had made a mental switch to just not self harm anymore. I realised that it wasn’t doing anything positive for me. It was a toxic addiction, and I had finally come to that realization.
That day was pivotal for the rest of my recovery. Whenever I felt down, or sad, or discouraged about it after that day; I would just remember that day. How amazing it felt to just feel free of self-harm. Of wondering if I was going to cut too deep that night, wondering what would next trigger it. It was freeing, and I’ll never forget it.
Everyone loves their pets. For most people, pets become family. I was born into a family who already owned a cat, called Fred. She was a really pretty grey cat with a massive attitude. I remember being shown pictures of me always hanging around her, annoying her most likely. When I started growing up into my teenage years, I spoke to her about everything. She was always there for me, shared my bed, had her own pillow even!
I remember thinking about the day she would pass away quite a lot. It’s quite morbid to think about, and in hindsight I wish I had spent that time celebrating the fact she was still here. But I think it’s natural to worry or think about the natural cycle of life. I was scared that once she died, I wouldn’t have anyone to talk to. I would feel really alone, upset, just a bunch of negative emotions that I wasn’t sure I was ready to feel.
When she did pass away, we kind of knew it was coming. She had had a few problems for a while beforehand, and eventually the vet told us it was her last weekend. I didn’t really know how to feel or what to think that weekend. Remembering the night before we had to put her down, I laid on the couch with her and I told her I’d never replace her. I don’t think she believed me, to be honest, but it made a difference to me at least.
The day she was put down, my mum and dad took her to the vet in her little cage and that was the last time I saw her. It’s weird thinking that in this world, there will ALWAYS be times when it is the last time you see, speak or hear someone. It’s a horrible thought that at any time, anything you say may be the last thing someone hears. It was a massive life lesson for me, when my cat died. I was distraught, and distressed, but at least I had learned something.
I’m grateful for everything that Fred gave to me whilst she was in my world. Now we have a lovely, crazy, spaniel. I really do believe that part of Fred’s soul is inside of him, and now I’m not alone anymore.